Some of the following reflections connect closely to my earlier piece, More Than Hunger, where I explored learning to approach myself with curiosity rather than criticism.
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I know in my rational brain that it doesn't make sense to feel nothing and everything all at once. To feel empty but still too full to move.
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I learned that being mindful was making sure that your mind is not full. Although mindfulness does not mean emptying my mind completely. It is more about noticing what is in there without becoming consumed by it.
That emotional overload can lead to shutdown and this is just your nervous system's way of protecting you.
As I get older and wiser I realize that seemingly contradictory things can exist and be true simultaneously. That we are not really broken and we are just overwhelmed by our day to day lives. That we are not empty we are just running on empty so exhausted of processing everything. I can feel lost and hopeful. Exhausted and grateful. Empty and overwhelmed.
It is normal. Even the most put together person feels overwhelmed and falls off track. I have spent a lot of my life believing that feeling overwhelmed meant that I was failing. If I was tired, unmotivated, distracted, or unable to keep up with everything around me, I assumed there was something wrong with me.
Lately I have been reflecting that being overwhelmed is often not a sign of weakness at all. It is simply a sign that I have been carrying too much for too long. Sometimes what I need is more grace for myself, not more discipline or criticism. I deserve the same kindness and understanding that I would so freely offer to someone else. I have explored the idea of offering myself grace instead of demanding perfection in Progress Over Perfection: A Food story.
On harder days I find myself returning to the ideas behind Kindling, the belief that even when our spark feels dim, it is still there.
You are still in there.
You are still you even as you grow and change.
You are still in there.
On the days I forget this a letter to myself may be helpful.
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Dear you,
Dear me,
Dear me,
Whoever you may be
At any given time.
The time;
it's mine
ours? Mine.
Of all the days
today
I feel much like you.
Like me.
Like us.
Who we strive to be
A spark of hope and passion.
A glimmer of dreams.
Strength to achieve
strength to love
not just others.
But you.
Well me.
us.
In more time
we can
we will
we must.
Our journey like many others
has many negatives about.
Death, hurt, cold, anger.
We have fallen low and hard.
We have also risen to see the day after.
To Seize the day after.
I may not always have,
but I am learning now.
To love us
-Love, S.
-Love, S.