Death Force and Life Force

Every day we are faced with choices. We get to choose where we spend our energy. Sometimes it may not feel like we have a choice, but we do.

I am what some people would refer to as a pessimist. Why can't I simply choose to be an optimist? Perhaps because a very long time ago, little me decided that I was a pessimist. With every silver lining, she chose to see the clouds.

The choice is still available to me. It just takes time to convince all the parts of myself to come along for the journey.

Our past never fully leaves us. Certain memories and experiences shape who we become. That doesn't mean we can't grow and change. It simply means we may have to spend some time convincing the parts of ourselves that have been rooted in the same place for so very long.

Lately, I've been thinking about how every choice we make feeds either our growth or our decay. Sometimes this happens quietly, and sometimes it happens in loud and dramatic ways. To me, this is the difference between what I would call our Life Force and our Death Force.

Life Force is expansion, creation, connection, and growth. It lives in our hopes, our dreams, our joy, and our laughter. It is the part of us that looks forward to something and moves toward it. Sometimes it looks like choosing to keep trying even when we don't know where we're going. (Similar to the Theme of Kindling)

Death Force is contraction. It is the part of us that seeks control, certainty, and protection. It is where our fears live and where endings reside.

This isn't a conversation about good and evil. Life and death exist in a deeply intimate relationship. One cannot exist without the other. Because of that, I believe it is important to understand both forces and to accept ourselves when we find nourishment in either one.

Death Force rarely arrives loudly. More often, it wears a mask.

One of its favorite disguises is the phrase, "It is what it is."

This phrase is used often in my family. My brother even went so far as to have it tattooed on his arm. We tend to say it when things aren't going well and we're exhausted from trying. It's a quiet way of surrendering the fight while trying to keep things light for the people around us.

I think Death Force often originates in our lizard brain—the part of us that resists change and seeks safety. From the inside, it can feel hollow or numb, but in many ways it is simply trying to protect us.

The challenge is that protection can become a prison. We may remain in situations that drain our vitality far longer than necessary because staying feels safer than leaving.

Fear slows us down, and sometimes that's exactly what we need. It gives us time to think, plan, and respond carefully. For all the discomfort it can bring, Death Force is not inherently bad. In many situations, it is what keeps us physically and emotionally alive.

The problem comes when we stop examining it.

When I first heard the term Life Force, I thought it was something I wanted in excess. The more I reflect on it, the more I think balance is the better goal.

Life Force isn't simply positivity or happiness. More often than not, it comes with a cost. Life Force is anything that helps us feel emotionally alive. 

It is what helps us leave situations that diminish our light and steal our smiles. It is protecting our peace by walking away from relationships that no longer serve us. It is speaking difficult truths—not only to others, but also to ourselves.

There is something deeply uncomfortable about Life Force because it exists in the space where we grow and change. It asks us to accept our imperfections and sit with discomfort instead of running from it. In many ways, Life Force is choosing emotional growth over emotional safety.

It is not about becoming a completely different person overnight. More often it is a collection of small choices that slowly move us forward.(Similar to the themes of Progress Over Perfection)

Death Force keeps us in familiar territory. If we stay there too long, however, joy begins to fade. Life may become efficient and predictable, but we find ourselves with little to anticipate and nothing pulling us forward.

When we connect with our Life Force, we reconnect with our creativity and curiosity. We become open to learning something new. We experience wonder, possibility, and excitement again.

Growth requires both creation and removal.

For something new to flourish, we must pull some weeds and water the garden. Yet even a garden can be overwatered. Too much of one thing can drown everything else.

Life Force and Death Force both have a role to play. The goal is not to eliminate one in favor of the other but to find the balance that allows us to thrive.

Just as there are seasons in nature, there are seasons in ourselves. There will be times when we need the protection of Death Force and times when we need the expansion of Life Force.

I'm still learning where that balance exists.

With enough self-reflection, perhaps I'll find it.

The question isn't whether these forces exist.

The question is which one you're nourishing.

-Love S

Dear you, Dear Me: On the Days We Forget

Has anyone ever felt the way I have? I am sure that the answer is yes most definitely.

Some of the following reflections connect closely to my earlier piece, More Than Hunger, where I explored learning to approach myself with curiosity rather than criticism. 

I know in my rational brain that it doesn't make sense to feel nothing and everything all at once. To feel empty but still too full to move.

I learned that being mindful was making sure that your mind is not full. Although mindfulness does not mean emptying my mind completely. It is more about noticing what is in there without becoming consumed by it.  

That emotional overload can lead to shutdown and this is just your nervous system's way of protecting you. 

As I get older and wiser I realize that seemingly contradictory things can exist and be true simultaneously.  That we are not really broken and we are just overwhelmed by our day to day lives.  That we are not empty we are just running on empty so exhausted of processing everything. I can feel lost and hopeful. Exhausted and grateful. Empty and overwhelmed. 

 It is normal. Even the most put together person feels overwhelmed and falls off track. I have spent a lot of my life believing that feeling overwhelmed meant that I was failing. If I was tired, unmotivated, distracted, or unable to keep up with everything around me, I assumed there was something wrong with me. 

Lately I have been reflecting that being overwhelmed is often not a sign of weakness at all. It is simply a sign that I have been carrying too much for too long. Sometimes what I need is more grace for myself, not more discipline or criticism. I deserve the same kindness and understanding that I would so freely offer to someone else. I have explored the idea of offering myself grace instead of demanding perfection in Progress Over Perfection: A Food story.

On harder days I find myself returning to the ideas behind Kindling, the belief that even when our spark feels dim, it is still there. 

You are still in there.

You are still you even as you grow and change. 

You are still in there.

On the days I forget this a letter to myself may be helpful.

Dear you,
Dear me,

Whoever you may be

At any given time.

The time;

    it's mine

            ours?        Mine.

Of all the days

today

    I feel much like you.

Like me.

    Like us.

Who we strive to be

A spark of hope and passion.

A glimmer of dreams.

Strength to achieve

strength to love

    not just others.

But you.

    Well me. 

                us.

In more time

    we can

        we will

            we must.

Our journey like many others

has many negatives about.

Death, hurt, cold, anger.

We have fallen low and hard.

We have also risen to see the day after.

To Seize the day after.

I may not always have, 

but I am learning now.

To love us

-Love, S.