Self Sabotage: The comfort of What I Know

I hate myself.
But why?
Have a snack.

I hate myself.
But why?
Here's a blanket.

I hate myself.
But why?
Take a shower.

I hate myself.
But why?

Just talk to me...

-S

You can be as prepared as you want to be, but that does not always mean the week is going to go as you plan. Some days your brain just decides it has had enough. Some weeks are tougher than others a bit like this one was. It was not a week of giving up. It was a steady week of trying. 

I cannot remember when it first started, this thought that comes to me from time to time. "I hate myself," it will eventually lead me to  "what is the point?" 

For what ever reason the power it holds is mighty. This thought I have is not necessarily the truth, but it does change my behavior as though it were. 

It gives me permission to turn away from my goals, to essentially give up on the plans I have already put in place. I begin to derail or spiral into a dark little hole, as though I am insignificant. 

I do this to myself.

Why do I do that to myself?

I had read somewhere once that if you feel like you hate yourself you should take a shower. The idea being that the more we care for ourselves in spite of the feeling, the less power we give it. 

I have showered. I have cleaned my space. Yes it has helped but that feeling is still lingering this week. 

Looking back, there is something interesting in that. How can I care so much for someone I apparently hate? 

The things I do after thinking "I hate myself" reveal something more truthful than the thought itself. So just start with the shower, take a nap, make yourself a pancake. 

I think back to my post Living In The Wrong Season and maybe my season is taking another shift that I need to make myself aware of. Perhaps it is time to shift to reflection and slow down, to regroup around what my goals are and what my soul and body are capable of achieving in their current state. 

Maybe the hard work needs to change. 

The person I am today never agreed to every part of the plan I made before, and it is ok to switch it up. I can go back to try things that I did in different seasons that didn't work then. Perhaps they will work now. If I am finding resistance maybe I switch it up until I find a little less of it.

Another thing that comes to mind is the idea of self sabotage. 

Conversations With My Lizard Brain touched on to the Triune Brain Theory, including the idea of a more primitive part of our brain concerned with things like survival, often referred to as the Lizard Brain.  I know the Lizard Brain is more metaphor than modern neuroscience, but it remains a useful way for me to describe that protective part of myself that would rather choose familiarity over the unfamiliar. 

As we change and grow, we enter places in our lives that can be uncomfortable, simply because they are new to us. Growth happens outside the bounds of what is familiar, but unfamiliar territory does not always feel safe just because it might be good for us.

To me self sabotage can sometimes feel like my brain responding to discomfort. As I write this out I am starting to feel more in tune with what my body needs. I guess even just acknowledging that I might be feeling uncomfortable/unsafe with the new routines and new beliefs about myself that are forming is beginning to ground me. 

I have been trying to figure out for a couple weeks why I have had this "floaty" ungrounded feeling. I described it to my friends as the feeling of wanting to just run. 

Although a little different that running away.

More like I was out of place. 

Perhaps a I want to run toward something rather than away from it. Like I was missing something but was unsure where it is. 

I felt that feeling of wanting to run toward something but I didn't do the work to understand what I might be trying to run toward.

 I am running towards my health.

Towards an adventure I am planning in May. 

I am slowly working through the idea of wanting to date again. Being single for four years has it's positives but it is also hard to picture a relationship with anyone else as I am still building one with myself.

Maybe I am able to have both. I can build a relationship with someone else without losing track of the relationship I am building with myself along the way.

Perhaps that is the conflict I have been feeling. Part of who I am becoming wants to rush forward, fighting her way towards the new me somewhere down the road. The other part of me wants to stay where we know, where we understand enough. 

I think the worst part about self sabotage is that we are uncomfortable with the idea of what is new, while sometimes not being particularly comfortable with where we are either.

I can appreciate that the part of me that wants to stay at this point in my life is not exactly comfortable with how things are either. She just knows how things work here.

 The reality is at the end of the day, what you know, even though it is not great, is still something you know. That can be easier to deal with than an unknown future state.

The weight I carry on my body is not ideal, but who I will become if I lose it, how I will feel if I lose it is unknown. Will I actually be healthier like I am working toward?

The knowledge I have as an instructor is limited, but the next class I sit in, who knows what I will have to learn? will I even be able to learn it? Will I struggle to understand? 

The dark little hole I sit in from time to time is cold and lonely. If I leave it, will I even find someone worth loving? Will they, in turn, even find me worth loving? Will leaving this familiar loneliness only give me the opportunity to hurt more?

I can appreciate the reason my brain hits me with the "I hate myself." Maybe it's a fear speaking. It makes me retreat back into habits and places that I know. 

There is an odd comfort in knowing.  

Maybe self sabotage is not the part of me that hates me. Maybe it is the part of me that is afraid of what happens if I change. 

Succeeding is scary because succeeding changes who we are allowed to remain. 

I do not hate that part of me. She is not trying to ruin everything. She is not looking to hurt me when she triggers that "I hate myself feeling". 

She just knows how to survive here. Even if this place hurts, she knows survival is possible here.

I can accept that what appeared as self sabotage to me for her might feel more like self protection. 

I love her for that.

As I move forward , I will do my best to protect us, too. 

I am going to move forward because I don't want to just merely survive here anymore. I want to live more. 

I am standing between a version of myself I understand and one I haven't met yet. Apparently, that is a surprisingly frightening place to stand. 

-With Love, S